Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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