then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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