I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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