Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
