never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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