I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
