the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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