areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
the raccoons are back...
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