if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
