i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
