i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
