watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
