I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
