I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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