I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
