You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
