I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
