I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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