census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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