the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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