just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
