if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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