Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
