Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
