Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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