I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
