How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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