I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
