just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
