I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
