I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
