Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
