I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
