So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
