It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The uberlube is also flammable
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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