youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
