Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
