Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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