so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
