They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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