true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
