Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
