On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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