"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
