Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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