he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
