just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
