don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
