i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
