My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
