we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
