If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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